Unsolved Miss-teries

Foreword: As of this writing, there's almost undeniable proof of the existence of the Higgs Boson- perhaps the most elusive of those fundamental mysteries Physics was trying to unravel. Only not. Whatever be your sentiments about said subatomic sista, I will have you know that there are far less minute, but perhaps equally fundamental, mysteries still roaming the very shopping malls you try your best to avoid. I was oblivious to what I believe is simultaneously the most comforting and depressing admissions of all time. Indeed, time itself has been known to give up all in the face of this worthy adversary. But thanks (or not) to a friendly asshole, I am now un-oblivious to aforementioned admission, alas.

Stephen Hawking, who is smarter than the collective readership of this blog put together (even when multiplied by the number of flesh eating parasites that pass for politicians in the world), recently admitted in an interview on the occasion of his 70th birthday that "[Women] are a complete mystery."

Let me pause here and let the full import of that sink in. That man has figured out what's going on on the inside of freaking black holes. He knows whether the universe is finite, how much matter it contains and what's going to become of it. He is basically smarter than you by so many times that when I tried to calculate that, my processor tore through the keyboard of my laptop and punched me in the face. In the amount of time it takes you to screw up your nose in response to your own fart, he can ... I mean, he is very smart. Like, even smarter than Rush Limbaugh (edit: at least one fairy died at the comparison. No, not that kind of fairy- Rush hates them anyway).

So, yeah, Stephen Goddamn Hawking can't figure women out. No sir! And you do realize that he is a theoretical physicist? Meaning, one of the reasons he is so damn good is that he is great at making simplifying assumptions, like, a model (no, not that kind of a model, you imbecile). Even with simplifying assumptions (and he must have made TONS of them), perhaps under STP or something, he could not come up with a theory that describes, you know, women! And, there are so many of them around- all of them inscrutable. Now you know how Jay and Kay must feel walking around knowing that there are so many unknown and unknowable aliens around. Do you (no, not you, you dimwit- you start when the traffic light changes- by the way, that happens due to Rush's covenant with Jesus) understand how that is? 


The finest brain of our time has no clue how women work- none, zilch, nada. Isn't that oddly comforting? Knowing that you're not the only one? That the mind that can look inside the black hole (yeah, black hole, information does not get lost in it, didn't you RTFA?) cannot see what's going on in the mind of a woman. Of course, that means that the smartest guy on the planet isn't smart enough. 


Not smart enough- not words that have been used about him very often, I'd hazard. But, true, evidently. Anyway, I'm sure he'll get over it and find some crap in the sky that he will have fun theorizing about. So as you finish reading this, know that there is nothing to fear. It's not like women are in reality our overlords and they have ensured that any attempt to understand them results in singularities, haha.