Gen(d)erally Speaking…

Foreword: This is another of those topics on which I consider myself an expert. Frankly, if one were to list down the topics I consider myself an expert on, it would give Wikipedia a run for its money. But I digress. In this post, I am going to talk about the sexes and differences thereof.

Tip for budding writers: one of the best ways to make your already arrogant writing seem even more pompous is to use words like “thereof”.

Sometimes, I think it is good that God (or whoever, that’s just an expression anyway) made only two (dominant) sexes. We have enough confusion with those already. Imagine what would have happened if we had not two but four sexes, with any two (or three) ganging up against the other two (or one). From purely an onlooker’s point of view, the entertainment would have been great, no questions about that, but I doubt if the world wars would have been fought between countries as much as between them. Also, three of the four sexes would get accused of not understanding the psychology of the fourth, while, actually, two would have no clue what psychology means, anyway, and one would be too busy thinking about cricket scores and monster trucks to pay any attention.

That reminds me, if you are a woman who wonders about what men think about (apart from sex, which as a recent survey found out men think about once in seven seconds), when you talk of, frankly, I don’t know what, because I’ve never bothered to listen, here is an excellent article on the topic. There is always way too much talk about men not understanding the female psychology (that’s not true, I know what female psychology involves: making disjointed conversation and jumping off to irrelevant topics, suspecting their man of having an affair, being jealous of Aishwarya Rai, feeling sorry for themselves and a lurking fear that they are fat and ugly) but never any about women not understanding the male psychology. Of course most women would probably snort and say, “Men do not have a psychology”, but clearly that is wrong, how else would you explain cricket, monster trucks and Playboy?

I know all those self-smug women who made the snort are now nodding in agreement with as much dignity as it is possible to have while wiping the waste off their noses. Moving further on the topic of gender sensitivity, or the lack of it, one of the most common things women say to men is, in essence, “all you $^#@ men are alike” as if they’ve just worked out a novel solution to Schrodinger’s equation. Of course all of us are alike! Like we are supposed to be, isn’t that the whole purpose of classification?

Let me not get carried away and waste valuable time and space by listing problems. You wouldn’t be reading this if you wanted problems. Instead, you would be talking to your wives, or girlfriends, or both. I am here to provide solutions, and damn good ones at that. Of course, I lack the time to examine and solve all problems plaguing the sex-equation (what with all the cricket being played in the world!) so what I will do is to take a representative situation, an example, if you will, and use it to illustrate the principles of dealing with the opposite sex. You can then apply these principles and lead better, richer and germ-free lives or go back to watching TV (WWE wrestling: “RAW is WAR”) or talking to your friends on the phone, as dictated by your gender.

Right, here’s the example: You and your spouse (its all right if you aren’t married, just pretend that you are, we run a family blog here) are doing your thing (no, not THAT thing, pervert. We are still a family blog.) on a quiet evening at home. Then one of you gets up to go the bathroom or the refrigerator and on the way, stubs a toe on the couch.

Case I: Man stubs toe

The woman drops her book/phone/knitting (I heard that!) and rushes over. Here is the dialogue that ensues.

Woman: Oh God! I knew this would happen. That’s why I asked you to buy those lovely lace curtains.

Man: Owww!

Woman: But you just had to move the TV away from the window and the couch here and look how much your toe has swollen! The nail has come off too and you are bleeding all over the carpet. Oh God! What do I do?

Man: Owww!

Woman: (Gets ice and applies it) I hope it isn’t broken! Even if it is, I hope they don’t have to amputate it. Even if they do, I want you to know that I’ll still love you no matter what happens to your big toe. (Applies a bandage)

Man: Grrrr.

Analysis:

Frankly, the woman’s approach, if the victim had been female, was bang on target. Except in this case, the victim wasn’t female. Men are not conditioned to receive this kind of pep-talk, especially if their toe hurts and more importantly, they are missing the match. The ideal approach to this situation, if you are a woman who really wants to help, is to have your man sit in a nice comfortable chair in front of the TV (where he was sitting before he got up) and while taking care to keep your head out of his line of sight, apply the ice, medication or whatever. Please make sure that you talk, if you must, in a low voice so as to not drown out the commentary. Then get him a nice chilled beer. All right, maybe the beer isn’t strictly necessary, but it’s a nice touch.

Case II: Woman stubs toe

The man lets out a loud whoop, since Sachin Tendulkar has just smashed one through the covers. The woman glares at the man and sees that he hasn’t noticed her scream. She has to cross the TV to get to the medicine cabinet. This conversation follows:

Man: Get off my face, woman! What if he hits a four?

Woman: I just broke my foot and all you can think about is the match?

Man: Hmmm. Do you want ice?

Woman: NO!

Man returns to his match.

Analysis:

The man’s approach is again a guy thing. Women, on the contrary, aren’t used to being asked if they “want” ice, if their toe-nail has just come off. The correct approach for the man would have been to switch off the TV (20 points), rush over to the woman and carry her to the couch (25 points), apply the ice and bandage (15 points) and blame himself for the injury (500 points).

Cases III & IV: We don’t deal with those. We are a family blog, remember?

All right, so that’s the solved example. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go think about something men generally think about once in seven seconds. Of course, that’s bullshit. Its more like once in four seconds.