AR speaketh...

The questions, the answers, the thoughts, the ideas and the other crap that make me, well, me.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Along Came a Spider-Man...

Foreword: As a matter of principle, I don't intend to denigrate my blog into a cheap movie review website. There are plenty of those around. Besides, as you might have noticed, an issue does not figure here unless it involves the well being of mankind in general. You will, then, also notice that this isn't a critique of a movie, as much as of a concept, if you can call it that. This development is perhaps the biggest challenge facing mankind, with the possible exception of finding a coach for the Indian cricket team.

Recently, I tried to watch a movie titled Spiderman, part III. I am happy to report that it was an unsuccessful attempt and I gave up after fifty minutes into it. Ordinarily, I maintain that time is perhaps the only thing that God has given me in plenty, but those fifty minutes were truly wasted. So much so, that probably working would have been a better idea.

To those who have had the good sense to give it a miss (I salute your intelligence) and those that didn't and don't regret it (well, you're truly 'special'), I owe an explanation. The theme of the movie is Spiderman's love live and the crises it undergoes. Also, though I didn't get that far, I'm told there are no real villains in the movie- everybody becomes nice in the end. I ask you, dear reader, I appeal to your intellect (not yours, you dimwit, you watched and liked it, remember?), what kind of crazy, pussy, wimpy story is this? If I wanted to watch a movie about relationship troubles I would have watched 'Alien vs. Predator' or 'When Harry met Sally', depending upon whether I was feeling mildly desperate or suicidal.

The point I'm trying to make here (bear with me here, you who were smart enough to stay away from it, for there are those that didn't and they need all the explanation that they can get; preferably in short sentences) is, why make a superhero movie in which no villain gets torn to pieces by his own evil contraption or falls into an erupting volcano or is forced to listen to six hours of Celine Dion's 'Greatest Hits'. OK, probably the last is too gruesome to pass even the rather liberal standards of the American censor board, but surely the rest is not too bad? Also, what self respecting superhero gets nagged by his girlfriend? What are we trying to show, a realistic superhero? Isn't that a howling contradiction? If you wanted to watch a henpecked wimp swing from the rooftops, my advice would be to watch Manmohan Singh dangle from the clothesline at 10, Janpath.

A careful examination of the demographics of Spiderman's audience would reveal that it consists largely of pre-adolescent children and men (pardon the redundancy). As such, it is difficult to comprehend why a story such as this, which would appeal only to women and metrosexual men (pardon the redundancy) was chosen. A likely explanation could be that the director was:
a) female or, b) gay male or, c) a post-adolescent block of wood having a history of traumatic childhood abuse. I have a feeling that this might enrage a lot of socially sensitive activists, hence I take that part about the block of wood back.

Having said that, I must admit that I always knew that Spiderman was a wimp. What kind of a superhero doesn't wear a cape or underpants on the outside?

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