AR speaketh...

The questions, the answers, the thoughts, the ideas and the other crap that make me, well, me.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Picking Up Women

Womanizing for Dummies

None of my writings have ever had a foreword. This departure from the trend is only a last ditch effort to be taken as a writer of serious capabilities. That being said, most forewords actually provide some insight into the material at hand. Likewise, this one will, too. The discerning reader will realize (and the impolite one will interrupt, vocalizing the realization) what a tough task this is. For, when the entire text contains hardly a whit of information, impregnating the foreword with copious meaning is arduous, at best. Fortunately, yours truly rises to the occasion (as always) to make a momentous fool of himself.

I will cut the verbiage there and come straight to the heart of the matter. My foreword will discuss the title: Why did I choose to call this piece "The Complete....aka...Dummies"? (Frankly, I did that because I wanted to and didnt give a hoot in hell what anyone thought but I cant put that in a foreword, can I?) This modern classic (forgive me for being presumptuous, but genius must have its licenses) is aimed at Complete Idiots. Do I hear a "Why?"? Hell, I dont; but that doesnt stop me from acting like one of those "exalted" beings who can hear the cosmos fart. Okay, so this is aimed at complete idiots otherwise known as dummies because I dont expect anyone with an IQ in the high 2-digits to take tips on womanizing from me. Lets not go into the details(since I have always maitained a dignified silence about my amorous adventures and the objects thereof): suffice it to say that I have not tested these out well. With that, O audacious traveller, I bid thee good luck.

Chapter I: Drawing the lines

This tome being targeted at section of the population that doesnt quite figure on the intellectual number line, I'll begin with the basics. For a successful pickup, the most important ingredient is the person you want to pick up; the quarry, to use a politically incorrect expression. I must warn all readers that is the single most important requisite. Without a target, even the most acurate shooters in the world miss the, well, target. So please ensure that the object of your moronic affection is indeed in earshot, when you deliver the killer pickup line. Corollarily, please ensure that the woman understands the language you speak. A note, here, to the BPO industry employees: please lose that ridiculous accent your company forced you to put on. Also, bury those ear rings, bangles (whatever), get a haircut and shave (including that thing on your chin you think makes you look like David Beckham. Why anyone would want to look like David Beckham, completely beats me.).
Secondly, it is imperative to focus on the task at hand. It is not opportune to ogle at the girl on the next table whose nipples are poking out through her dress while serenading your "catch". You should postpone the serenading till you've had an eyeful - no point being so damn stuck up about it.

Chapter II: Lining Up the Troops

Read Chapter I first, moron! (God, one really cant be too careful when dealing with these dimwits.) This chapter will explain the niceties associated with actually making the kill, throwing the dice, sil vou plait.
The primary consideration in springing it on her is the choice of venue. Choose the wrong venue and all is lost, much like the horse (the one that was lost for the kingdom or the other way round, I forget which.). Most battles in history have been lost because of a poor choice of venue. Had Napolean avoided Waterloo would it have proved to be his Waterloo? Besides, what self respecting general chooses to fight in a place called Waterloo?
The working rules would, then, be:
1. Avoid all places that have Water or Loo in the ir names. (One cant be too careful, with history having a tendency to repeat itself.)
2. No, the Dentist's waiting room, the printer room at office and the queue outside a public toilet are not good venues.
3. A moderately populated coffee house gets my vote. You dont want too many people watch you make an ass of yourself.

Chapter III: The Charge

This is a very sensitive area. A good pickup line almost always ensures a smooth pick up. Successful pickup lines have but one characteristic: they are successful. So, do NOT try to be original. If you had the faculties necessary, you wouldnt be reading this crap. Every time you see a friend who got lucky, ask him for his line. Watch out for a devilish gleam in his eye while he gives it to you. If you see the gleam, forget the line. Otherwise, remember to use it in its entirety.
Note: You cannot make one line by combining the funny parts of two lines.
Note 2: Invoke all your gods while actually delivering it.

Chapter IV: The Retreat(to be read only after an attempt has been made)

All right, at least you had some good food/coffee/fun, right? Dont lose heart or interest, it happens to the best of us. Tomorrow, we start from Chapter I again.

Note: You do this EVEN if you nail your quarry.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Thats when I carried you...

(Not original, got it from a friend)
Software version of famous footprint quote...

Another day a S/w Programmer was having a similar conversation with his PM when his whole project flashed before his eyes as a series of
footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

He asked his PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the PM answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

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