AR speaketh...

The questions, the answers, the thoughts, the ideas and the other crap that make me, well, me.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Writing Wrongs

Foreword: A lot is wrong with the world. Of course, you cannot be expected to do anything about it, but I must and I will. I may not be able to correct every little problem, for I’ve been a little tied up these days (what with the Australian open, the cricket series down under, Academy and Grammy awards and the like), but rest assured, I will fix the howlers. Starting with the fact that I actually have to work these days. Like they say, charity begins at home.

I received a lot of flak about the previous post (wrong!). People said I was being crude and insensitive (no contest), especially about babies. That’s another thing that needs correction. So, I promise to coach them on my unique perspective on human values. They learn, fine, otherwise they get berated in the next post (sweet!).

There seems to be an epidemic of weddings (dead wrong!). Everyone I know seems to be in a rush to marry as if bridal makeup is about to disappear from the face of the earth. However, this brings to light the pre-wedding jitters that plague them. Many a bride or groom to be experiences them and spends countless hours shopping or watching football or both (my condolences). Hell, righting this wrong is not only important it also needs to be done quickly. I think I’ll devote the rest of this post to fix this.

Right, before we jump right in, there is a blatant right I must acknowledge. It is so obviously, meticulously, unblemishedly, accurately correct that I can only state it, without qualification: there is a racehorse, a participant in the Hyderabad Derby, called Spinoza.

Back to the point. Lets understand the psychology of individuals about to marry. Obviously, now that they are sober, they cannot, for the life of them, understand why they decided to get married in the first place. It seems like one of those jokes you started that come round to bite you on the butt. Suddenly, you can’t see the humour in them anymore. But wait, let me not add insult to injury. I’m here to give solutions or at least solace.

So now you’re having second thoughts. You think you’re not ready for a commitment of this magnitude, and you have no idea how it will pan out. You begin to remember all those differences of opinion you’ve had (including the black eye last Valentine’s day), and you think, “what if this person isn’t right for me?” Or “will it work?” Or “will JK Rowling write another Hogwarts adventure?” The answer is obvious. The black eye proves the female has her heart in the right place. Or if you are female and your boyfriend gave you one, he believes in gender equality. In either case, they are wonderful people and probably don’t deserve to marry you, but its not a fair world anyway. So go right ahead.

Fact is, you don’t know what is right for you. Like all that broccoli. That hasn’t turned out too bad, has it? I mean I have been feeding tons of it to my dog: all that my mother ever served in those generous portions, and look how much his coat shines. Apparently it IS good for you. Which proves, without a shadow of doubt, that dog is a man’s best friend. Especially when faced with broccoli or other trying situations, perhaps even an impending wedding. The point I’m trying to make here is: don’t bother your miniscule intelligences with all that thinking and re-thinking. You won’t get it right. If you were suitably armed in that department, you wouldn’t be in this situation now. So lie back and enjoy. Or at least act like you are enjoying it. It will give hope to the others almost in your shoes.

Now lets concentrate on getting you prepared for the big event. I am a big believer in books and I know just the texts for this occasion:

  • “Getting Married” - George Bernard Shaw. The fact that Shaw himself never married shows how much of an authority he was on the topic. Also, it’s a very thought provoking read, especially around the chapters when he advocates polygamy.
  • “Superman” - DC comics. If you are a man, you already worship the man of steel. Continue to do so. That is the closest you can get to adventure now. If you are a woman, thats the closest you will to a man in shape now.
  • “The Critique of Pure Reason” - Immanuel Kant. If, ever, you get cocky and think you are beginning to understand what this is all about, read the first 5 pages (that’s all you’ll ever get to anyway). You’ll know what I mean.

There isn’t enough time to read the first and the third and you’ve already read most of the second. How prepared do you feel? Hmm.. I can understand. You need to talk to someone. I’ll send my dog over. Please feed him some broccoli.

Hope that helps.

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