AR speaketh...

The questions, the answers, the thoughts, the ideas and the other crap that make me, well, me.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Halo there!

Foreword: The focus, in these materialistic times, is on spiritualism. Quite rightly, then, on the reverse of every coke-stained multiplex ticket, you see an advertisement for your own dial-a-guru. Though not particularly spiritual, I have seen quite a few movie tickets, coke-stained and otherwise and therefore, I think it is worth your while to be apprised of my opinion. Of course, if you had anything better to do, you wouldn’t be here in the first place.

With so many people looking to get in touch with their inner selves and leading richer, fuller lives, I figured there had to be a reason for this fad. Of course, a straight forward explanation would be some kind of aneurysm, severely dilapidating in its effects on human reason (or the lack thereof). But such a fantastic, and indeed a trifle far-fetched, theory is not in line with this blog’s reputation of being THE source of truth for the teeming millions who, blind of the their mind’s eye, stumble along the pizzeria that is life clutching only to the lifeline offered by us. You can continue to rest easy though. Just place your unconditional trust in this temple of knowledge, for we get you the complete story, the real deal, even when there hasn’t, in fact, been a deal.

How do we do that? Generally the answer to that is, “None of your effing business, creep.” But, with this being the ICE age and RTI having finally become a reality we might as well tell you. Our methods, like those of the venerated inhabitant of 221B, Baker Street are simple. We start from the basics, the first principles if you will, and build on the basis of available evidence. There is a subtle point on which we differ from the afore-mentioned genius, (and we think this is a technique that the maestro should himself have used to greatly enhance his success rate) and that is that we do not let minor issues like the unavailability of evidence cramp our style. We go ahead and say what we want to, instead being a sissy and hiding behind excuses like “lack of concrete proof”. That is something that modern journalism has imbibed rather well and we have the deepest admiration for it, though, frankly, we could do with a little less investigative reporting about Britney Spears’ knickers.

But lets not deviate from our rather intriguing topic, or our karma will sneak up on us right when we least expect it and begin sending out bad vibes. That reminds me of a (rather short) conversation I once had with an awakened and perceptive soul trapped inside an obese woman. She complained of feeling “depressed and empty” as a result of receiving bad vibes from her colleagues at her new workplace. Being the naturally helpful person that I am, I promptly produced an ad from an educational periodical I am in the habit of perusing (‘Hustler’, one of our mottos is “Be Prepared”) which promised some excellent vibes, battery powered and shaped like a part of the male anatomy. I’m sure she hasn’t complained of any vibes or emptiness since.

Sometimes we are bothered by the meaninglessness of our lives and instead of doing the decent thing and jumping off a bridge with a stone tied around our necks; we seek recourse in “Feng Shui” (which is Chinese for “make the rich place ridiculous objects all over the freaking place and demolish half their homes”). I am sure that doesn’t work, unless the idea is to send your guests into convulsions of laughter. But I recognize in it the potential of being a real killer. Therefore, I have developed my own variety of Feng Shui, specially tailored for Indian traffic conditions. It involves placing articles like baseball bats, bazookas and anti-tank missiles in your vehicle. After a few ceremonial uses of the said articles, traffic conditions improve greatly for the incumbent of the vehicle.

Then there’s the deal with channelizing our internal cosmic energy and using it to improve general well-being. Before it trudged along what the state governments pass for village roads and entered our cities, it manifested itself in scores of bio-gas plants all over rural India. I think that best sums up the idea of removing all toxic “thoughts” from your “psyche” for healthier living. Talk about getting the best out of waste.

Sometimes, we want to achieve a higher state of consciousness. We spend hours meditating, levitating, gravitating, and not to mention, irritating, to achieve this end while modern science has already solved this problem. Few of us are aware that the deepest scientific research has already been devoted to this at one of the foremost seats of modern learning, University of California at Berkeley. The result they came up with is called LSD. LSD, it is said, enables you to look inside souls, free your mind, converse with God without being called George W. Bush or Pratibha Patil, and if of a remarkable quality, even believe you are God.

I sometimes think that it has a wider following than is popularly believed. Each time people talk of a “glowing face”, “a cold gaze” or “sparkling/bright eyes” to name a few indicators, I wonder if they are on a higher level of consciousness. In more than a quarter of a century of my existence, I have never come across any of the above. For instance, a glow, by definition, assumes a source of light of a non-zero luminous intensity. Now unless the person in question is chewing an incandescent light bulb, I don’t see that happening. Of course, I have been short sighted for most of my life, but I think I’d at least have spotted the moths hanging around faces.

At times, I think I might be wrong about all this. Then I look around and go, “There’s no way those losers can be right. Ergo, I must be.” Yet, one must allow for doubt so I popped an LSD to find out. Can you tilt your head a little to the right? I think your aura is interfering with mine.

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